


Can't Catch the Gingerbread Avengers

by Psaiki



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, Darcy Lewis Bakes, F/M, Gen, M/M, Mentions of T'Challa - Freeform, Multi, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, OT3, mentions of Helen Cho and Maria Hill, mentions of Nick Fury - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 13:44:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13009080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psaiki/pseuds/Psaiki
Summary: Someone needs to fess up to bringing store bought Christmas cookies into the Tower.  That’s the kind of shit Darcy Lewis does not take lying down.  And until someone confesses, she’s going to bite the heads off of each Avenger Gingerbread Person without mercy.  In front of said Avengers.





	Can't Catch the Gingerbread Avengers

**Author's Note:**

> I started listening to Christmas music in the midst of projectile word-vomiting Darcy Lewis fics and suddenly the word-vomit became holiday themed. I apologize for all mentions of "tossing cookies". (And me trying to be punny.)
> 
> *Don't take this too seriously.

She had had plans, dammit!

 

The residents of Avengers Tower were all gathered in the common area, filling up the couches, leaning against the wall, and perching on the pool table (Clint).  A brunette in glasses glares at them all.  And why?  Because someone needs to fess up to bringing _store bought_ Christmas cookies into the Tower.  That’s the kind of shit Darcy Lewis does not take lying down.  And until someone confesses, she’s going to bite the heads off of each Avenger Gingerbread Man without mercy.  In front of said Avengers.

 

She viciously decapitates a Hawkeye.

 

“ _Savage_ ,” Clint whispers.

 

“I can’t believe _someone_ would have the _nerve_ to bring this trash into my house.”

 

An Iron Man head crunches loudly as it is severed from its body.

 

“We are a homemade, baked goods household.  There is a plaque outside the kitchen and everything.  And I won’t stand for blasphemy.  So everybody gets to go headless until the guilty S.O.B. woman’s up.”  To punctuate her declaration, Darcy bites the head off of a Falcon.  “Anyone wanna confess?”

 

Darcy is met with silence.  She decides to focus on each person individually for a few moments, slowly going around the room.  They all wait while she does this.

 

“Natasha, you may go.”

 

“Why is Romanov free to go?” Tony whines.

 

“Because, she’s nowhere near negligent enough to buy a batch of cookies without any Black Widow Gingerbread Women present.  And she knows that when I make cookies, I don’t disrespect my girl like that.  And Rhodey can go too.  He’d never get anything War Machine that is a direct knock-off of Iron Man--only colored silver instead of red.”

 

James Rhodes nods.  “Our suits look nothing alike.”  He grins at Tony and high fives Darcy on his way out.

 

She glares harder at the remaining suspects.  

 

“These cookies appeared exactly twenty minutes ago.  And seeing as how Clint was in Medical, again, for the last forty, the dumbass is free to go.”  That deduction is met with a whoop from the pool table, followed by a yelp of pain; Clint limps away.

 

Darcy continues, “I already sent T’Challa Peanut Butter Blossom cookies last week.  Also, he’s in Wakanda, hopefully enjoying said cookies.  We’ll rule him out.  Hmm...”

 

“Vis barely knows what cookies are,” Wanda offers.

 

“Good point, Wandelicious.  You and Boo are free to go.  No one who’s guilty willingly takes the heat off of another suspect.

 

“I still maintain that Peter can’t lie to me, but it’s more likely he wouldn’t spend his hard earned cash on cookies.  Get out of here, you cinnamon roll.

 

“Bruce doesn’t like gingerbread.  But the Hulk does…”  When Bruce doesn’t look up from the tablet in his hand, Darcy sighs and mentally crosses him off her list.  He’s got yesterday’s clothes on; the man hasn’t left the building in at least twenty four hours.  He, all of a sudden, walks away, mumbling, before she can even tell him he’s off her list.

 

That still leaves:

 

“Thor’s been banned from grocery store since the Chicken Nuggets Incident last May.”  She abruptly turns to her bestie.  “Jane!  You didn’t accidentally buy these during a sudden **Science!** episode in the middle of the grocery store, did you?”

 

“Darcy, you know my last mid-shopping episode was just before Thor’s Chicken Nuggets Incident.”

 

“Right, right.  Okay, so Helen and Maria are still out of town; the mojitos in Cartagena can keep even the most seasoned of agents busy.

 

“And Scott already knew I was gonna make Avengers Gingerbread People cause I told him I wanted to make his in three different sizes.”

 

Shaking her head, Jane drags Thor away.  Scott, someone who actually has a criminal record, practically skips away when his innocence is declared.

 

Buying some more time to watch them sweat, Darcy picks up another Hawkeye and bites its head off.  She believes she’s correctly narrowed it down to Tony, Sam, Steve, and Bucky.  Though, if Clint didn’t have an alibi, he would definitely still be on her list.  She knows it’s just a matter of time before she gets the truth out of one of them.

 

“There’s no Winter Soldier cookies.  That mean Boyfriend A can go?” Tony suddenly snarks.

 

“Nope.  Just because there’s no Winter Soldiers now doesn’t mean there never were any.  Right Sam?”

 

“He didn’t!”

 

“Yes.  He did.  Throw them in the trash, that is.”

 

“Savage.”

 

“I guess I will cross you off my list though, Sam.  Not that I don’t think you’re not capable of buying cookies just to throw away Bucky’s like the troll you are, but you’re currently sleeping with Natasha, so I know you also would not even prank buy Black Widowless cookies.”

 

Sam Wilson grins.  “Hell yes I am.  To the Natasha thing and the troll thing.  But more to the Natasha thing.”

 

“Get the hell out of here, Wilson,” says Bucky.  Sam flips him off as he walks away.

 

Tony continues his version of sleuthing, “just because he’s Mister America doesn’t mean you should rule out Cap.  Actually, I think that’s why it was Boyfriend 1.  He’s the last person you would suspect.”

 

“He has crossed my mind more than once,” the brunette woman glances at Steve as she admits this.

 

She’s cut off from interrogating him though when Pepper walks into the room, so Darcy changes tactics.

 

“Pepper, did Tony buy Avengers themed Gingerbread cookies because he’s a little shithead who consistently underestimates my wrath?”

 

“No.”

 

“Alright, Tony you are free to go.  Pepper literally knows every single thing about you.”

 

Tony jumps up from the couch.  “And that’s why she scares me while you still have a ways to go, Lewis.”  Then the billionaire wraps an arm around Pepper’s waist to walk her out of the room she had literally just entered.

 

So….

 

Darcy narrows her eyes at the last two people left on the couch.  It’s only years of training that keep Steve and Bucky from squirming.  She’s going to have to get creative with these two.

 

Grabbing the plate of remaining cookies, she plops herself in Bucky’s lap and turns to Steve to lay her legs across his.

 

“It’s a shame, really,” she starts, “that someone’s ruined my plans to make my own cookies.”

 

“Why’s that, Doll?” Bucky inquires.

 

“Well, because of course I was going to make a few test batches in our kitchen.  And obviously I was going to let my fellas taste test.”

 

“That would have been nice, Darcy,” says Steve.

 

“Uh-huh,” she agrees.  “Would have.”  Darcy bites off the head of the second to last Captain America Gingerbread Man.

 

Steve winces.

 

“But I had some other plans too,” she’s staring at Bucky now.  “I would have had to make sure I could get each cookie’s persona just right.  That would have meant playing around with frosting.  Maybe getting it everywhere.  Then of course I’d want to clean up after.  Can you guess how I thought you could help me clean up, Bucky?”

 

The Winter Soldier growls.

 

Darcy slowly licks the frosting face off of the last Captain America.

 

“Darcy…”

 

She bites the head off.

 

“Guess you guys will just have to wait til next year.”

 

Barely containing a giggle, Darcy picks up the last cookie on the tray, Thor, and sits back to eat it without her previous vicious savagery.  The looks on her boys’ faces are priceless.  When she finishes the final cookie, she takes the time to wipe any crumbs off of her onto the tray in her lap and then tosses the tray on the coffee table.

 

Darcy’s starting to sweat a little while she waits for Bucky and Steve to form a coherent response.  

 

And then suddenly, “I don’t feel so good…”  

 

Moments later, Darcy swings her legs out of the way and pukes all over Steve’s lap.

 

As he visibly regrets letting her eat a whole plateful of cookies by herself, in one sitting, Steve internally thinks he should have just told her Fury left the cookies.  The former SHIELD Director hadn’t appreciated her prank of sugar-free brownies; there were just some lines you did not cross.  

 

Bucky, having just barely managed to keep Darcy’s hair out of the carnage, looks over at Steve.  “I think we should take her home, get her cleaned up, and then try to convince her she can still make her cookies.  What do you say to that?”

 

“Sounds like a plan.”  


**Author's Note:**

> Fun Fact: Steve is Boyfriend 1 because he is “1 hot piece of ass” and Bucky is Boyfriend A because he is “Abs, Arm, and an Ass”. 
> 
> Even Funner Fact: I'll let you decide whether it was Tony or Darcy who came up with those nicknames.


End file.
